Sometimes You’re the Windshield, Sometimes You’re the Bug
Monday, August 11th, 2008 | Uncategorized
Today was rough. And I didn’t really even do anything…my mom did all the “dirty” work. But, Jonathan needed to eat every 1 1/2 hours today instead of his usual 2-3 hour stretches. He also didn’t sleep very much, and cried and cried and cried. He was very unhappy unless he was eating. That means that everytime I lay down to take a nap, I got about 20 minutes, and he would need to eat again.
When he cries and screams, it is excruciating to me. Not because I can’t stand the crying and it annoys or angers me, but because it’s like someone’s hand around my heart and squeezing as tight as they can. I NEVER thought I would be this way. I did not think I would be such a sap about all this. His crying just kills me!! Especially when I can’t figure out what he wants. I just feel so sorry for him…he’s SO pitiful. I still know that all the behavior management stuff I talked a lot about will work when he’s bigger, but now he’s just so tiny. I think you just have to attend to a newborn’s needs…behavior management when he’s this tiny would be cruel and feels wrong. So, I just pick him up and walk with him or rock him. He’s probably going to have blisters all over his face since I can’t stop kissing him! I’m glad he’s a baby who doesn’t mind when you touch his face. Eating always works, so I guess he’ll be like 50 pounds by next week if he keeps this up…If none of that works, I give him to my mom…she has a magic touch.
It makes me very afraid for when my mom leaves. Someone told me once that during their experience, both he and his wife cried the entire day when her mother left!! That may happen at our house, but, my mom has to leave. She has her life and we need to continue to adjust to and create our new life. Intellectually, I understand this and it needs to happen. Just when I was fearing this, I go a text from Frannie. She didn’t know the magic of her timing, but she gave a bit of a confidence boost right when I needed it. She is so good at sending a quick “you can do it” text for whatever the need. So, I think I’m going to try to remember what she said…that I already know what to do, I just have to be confident in my abilities. I’m going to approach this last week with my mom in that way…just trying to be less frustrated, more calm in face of my little baby’s heartbreaking tears, and more confident. Maybe that way I’ll also start to feel back to myself. I used to be a very confident person!! On top of all that, I know that Chris and I will be able to handle it all, and even thrive together in our new parenthood. It’s the days home by myself that worry me, but that’s where my confidence has to come in. Plus, that time alone with the baby will be invaluable in learning what all he needs, how to attend to him in the best way, and what his likes and dislikes are. I just can’t wait til he raises his hands up at me because he wants picked up. But, I don’t want to wish his newborn-ness away…he’s so precious and tiny!!
Hopefully, tomorrow will be better in the sense that either he’ll be a little more satisfied with life or I’ll have more patience and confidence with mine. Patience and confidence shall squash the fear and anxiety!! That’s my mission now, wish me luck! 🙂
3 Comments to Sometimes You’re the Windshield, Sometimes You’re the Bug
Hey just so you know after you took your nap he had like 3 shitty diapers in a row. I think he’s just been having stomach issues all day.
Meggo you are doing such a great job! I think you are going to be surprised how much you like staying home with Jonathan.
Love you the most!
bronlawAugust 11, 2008
From your brother-in-law…
He says to put the baby in his carseat on top of the washing machine while it is spinning a load and his crying will stop and he will sleep.
I told him that only works if the washing machine is a piece of crap that moves all over the place while spinning a load. Some of those new machines are smooooooth. He’s just trying to help….
Chris is right, you ARE doing a bang up job! Stop being so damn hard on yourself woman!
Bill and Dawn
FrannieAugust 20, 2008
LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!
August 11, 2008